Top 5 Things It Took Me Way Too Long To Realize

1) Blue Reflectors Indicate A Fire Hydrant Nearby?!?


Of course I wondered why there would be one random blue reflector in the middle of a side street. I noticed the reflector. I guess, I just never noticed the hydrant. Don’t judge me yet; there’s more…

2) Why There Are Limited Buses In And Out Of Rich Neighborhoods.

How inconvenient, I thought, that the public buses INTO this multi-million-dollar neighborhood only run from 7 am to 9 am. And the only buses OUT run from 4 pm to 6 pm. Until I saw the stream of housekeepers going to and from work. Being stranded in a world of manicured lawns, wainscoting and original Warhols in the bathroom is still stranded.

3) There’s No Keeping Pancake Mix; You Have To Make It Allllll.

Too good to waste!
Too good to waste!

For years I thought perhaps if I wrapped the bowl better, or added more flour the next day, I could use day-old batter and make a pancake that wasn’t utterly flat and rubbery. The results were always disappointing. Then…one day…I made them all. And realized I could freeze the extras, or just refrigerate them till the next day. And then the clouds parted, a beam of sunlight shone on my face and all was better in the world. Because pancake mix is a bit of a bitch to make from scratch to be just throwing it away like that.

4) That It’s Wrong To Show Embarrassing Photos of People Just Because They’re Famous.

I have to admit I used to take a peek or two at those tabloid magazine cover stories about “Worst Celebrity Beach Bodies” or “Guess Who’s Cellulite This Is.” Because the cover photos are a tease, the publishers cover the faces with a black bar and expect us commoners to eagerly flip open the issue, gaze upon a once-beautiful-now-gross celebrity’s flabby ass and smirk with schadenfreude.

But then I had this epiphany: what if I turned to the inside story and instead of an aging rock star, it’s “Cathy Smith, 6th grade schoolteacher” or “Steve Daniels, postal worker.” Feels a lot more shameful now, don’t it?

5) My Cat Doesn’t Love Me.

To paraphrase something I heard Russell Brand say in an interview on “WTF with Marc Maron,” a cat’s love looks remarkably similar to its hate and just as similar to its indifference. So I guess it could be love. But you know that move they do when they rub their face on your leg and it feels like affection? Have you also noticed Kitty doing the same move to the chair, the wall, the stove and anything nearby? A cat has scent glands in his face so he’s just marking his territory. I know…now you’re thinking, “Oh, isn’t that sweet, Kitty wants me all to himself.” You’re hopeless.


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